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  • Nov
    19

    Top Twelve Ways the Orioles Can Improve

    Written by Larry Hodges (alias larrytt)

    12) Anyone batting ahead of Chris Davis must sign a pledge that they will not swing at a pitch unless they have two strikes and the ball is down the middle. 

    11) Jim Johnson must undergo two months of survivalist, CPR, and lifeguard training. 

    10) Matt Wieters must spend the off season in some southern rural area where he'll spend his days hitting rednecks, i.e. righties. 

    9) A new pitching staff. If someone distracts him, perhaps we can steal Gandalf's. 

    8) Or we could just sign Gandalf to replace Matt Wieters. He's used to swinging around a big stick. And imagine the wise pitch selections he'd call! And when someone tries to score he'll just say, "You shall not pass!" 

    7) If only we had someone to play second base that combined the best of Roberts, Flaherty, and Schloop. Wait a minute, we can!!!

    6) With a little training, I'm pretty sure free agents Superman, Spider-Man, Thor, Hulk, Captain America, Rorschach, Dr. Manhattan, Flash, Thing, Wolverine, and many others would dominate major league baseball. 

    5) The Orioles have the best table tennis players in major league baseball. There must be a superstar player out there (like RGIII) with a gleam in his eye that says he can go to the Olympics in table tennis, and the only way he's going to do that is to join the Orioles and practice in their clubhouse - along with Coach Larry, "The Oriole Ping-Pong Whisperer." 

    4) We'll have to trade someone. After all, Improve Team is an anagram for both Permit a Move and Move Primate. 

    3) To improve the hitting, donate money to a church and rename Chris Davis as "Thing" and refer to him as "It." After all, Hitting is just an anagram for Tithing and It Thing. 

    2) To improve the pitching, play more ping-pong and schedule a camera night at Camden Yards. After all, Pitching is just an anagram for Ping Itch and Pic Night. 

    1) To improve the fielding . . . wait, that's impossible. Do not defile the defense by trying to change it - because Fielding is just an anagram for Defiling. But it would help if Machado finds health in his leg - after all, Fielding is also an anagram for I Find Leg.


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