• May
    03

    HHP: Twenty Reasons Matt Wieters is . . . The Most Interesting Man in the World


    by Larry Hodges alias larrytt

    20) He's batting .522 against the Yankees this year and he does it while bungee jumping and reading The New Yorker.

    19) He uses aluminum bats made of wood.

    18) The House that Ruth Built was replaced with The House that Matt Broke.

    17) His Gatorade is both shaken and stirred, and his teammates and friends all stay thirsty.

    16) When Yankees try to steal, he throws them out, but he's careful so they only land on convertibles in the parking lot with their tops up.

    15) He brings a wiffleball bat to the plate to even the odds.

    14) He taught Alex Rodriquez to sing "Orioles Magic" in soprano.

    13) When he hits a home run cats howl at the ball all night as it circles the earth.

    12) Yankee hitters curtsey before batting, and Matt lets them live.

    11) He is both a seer and a wit, since Wieters is just an anagram for "seer" and "wit."

    10) When Americans tour South America they call Americans "Matts" and put their hands over their hearts.

    9) When he bats, the infielders and umpires join the outfielders against the outfield wall, the pitcher wears a football helmet, and the catcher gets his autograph.

    8) Yankees sliding into home stop in mid-slide to complete their final will and testament.

    7) When he bats baseballs ask for asylum at the Cuban embassy and his bat pleads for mercy.

    6) When he takes off his catcher's mask, the women in the stands swoon, so do the men, the children, the Yankees, the hot dogs and peanuts, and the drinks swirl.

    5) He can hit a round ball with a round bat so it goes round the world as he goes round the bases.

    4) Locks of his hair are traded for players to be named later. An eyebrow lash brought in Robert Andino. A fingernail would bring in Derek Jeter.

    3) The Baseball Hall of Fame houses his trophies, and the rest of their stuff is in storage in Matt's basement.

    2) Every time he hits a homer an angel gets his wings and a Yankee goes to Hell.

    1) When he stares at left field in Boston the Green Monster turns red and shrinks to four feet.

    0) He once swung and missed just to see what it was like and still homered.

    -1) He gets 22 items in a top 20 list.

    He is . . . The Most Interesting Man in the World.
    "I don't always play the Yankees . . . but when I do, I stomp all over them. Stay Yank-free my friends."


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