• Sep

    HHP: Top Twelve Things Happening the Last Time the Orioles Had a Winning Season

    by Larry Hodges Alias LarryTT

    12) The Orioles had to wear ear plugs because the Big Bang was so loud.

    11) Huge, lumbering dinosaurs like brontosaurus had just evolved. Soon they would evolve into CC Sabathia. 

    10) The U.S. National debt was $21.10.

    9) God was saying, "Let there be--" when he paused with sadness, noting that the Orioles were having their last winning season for a long time, and then he finished, "--light."

    8) Cal was at his peak. That would be John Calvin (July 1509 - May 1564).

    7) The Ice Age was at its height. After all, "Winning Season" is just an anagram for "Insane Snowing." There was even a sign saying "No more winning seasons for Orioles until global warming takes effect." After all, "Winning Season" is also an anagram for "Owns Inane Sign." And the Orioles only began winning again when Mark Reynolds started hitting home runs, since "Winning Season" is also an anagram for "Insane Swing On." 

    6) The Orioles often stole second, third, and home. Then Moses showed up with the Ten Commandments, including that dastardly #8. 

    5) Atlas had just relieved Chris Davis in holding up the Earth. 

    4) It not only was a long time ago, it was in a galaxy far, far away, dominated by Yankees who used the dark side of the force. But after a long time, led by Yoda (Buck Showalter), Obi-Wan Kenobi (also Buck Showalter), Luke Skywalker (Manny Machado), Han Solo (Adam Jones), Chewbacca (Matt Wieters, Chris Davis, and Mark Reynolds, taking turns), Princess Leia (Nate McLouth), R2D2 (JJ Hardy), and C3PO (Robert Andino), sometimes aided by Boba Fett* (Nick Markakis), and with an Ewok pitching staff led by closer Wicket (Jim Johnson), they finally overcame the Sith Yankees, won the World Series, and brought balance to baseball. 
    *Buck convinced him to join the Orioles

    3) Velociraptors were allowed to pinch run and snack on Yankees.

    2) The Orioles were the best team in primordial Earth, but there wasn't any oxygen in the atmosphere yet and so they all suffocated, leading to our many years of futility as we waited for oxygen and pitching to accumulate. 

    1) The Orioles celebrated their last winning season in such perverse ways that God created the great flood. But He had mercy, and told Noah to take two Orioles on the ark so that they could later multiply and replenish the team. Noah misunderstood and brought on two birds instead. He also brought on two poisonous snakes, which would later devolve to become Yankees. (We all know, of course, that "Yankees" is just an anagram for "Ye Snake.")

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