• Aug

    HHP: Top Ten Ways to Stop the Orioles Historic Two-Game Utter Collapse

    by Larry Hodges (alias LarryTT)

    10) We're only 24 games short of the longest losing streak in MLB history, and the Orioles are starting to get tense, knowing that just one inadvertent win and the streak is over. Relax, guys, if you win one it won't be the end of the world. Really, it won't. 

    9) Though the Orioles have lost two in a row, the sky is not falling. What's falling are all the home runs Chris Davis will hit over the next five weeks - home runs hit so hard they break the light barrier and travel back in time, thereby pelting us now. 

    8) Whoever is playing "Party like it's 1999" in the locker room, please stop. (Note that it was written by Prince, and the Rangers have the worst record in baseball.) 

    7) When Ubaldo pitches well, the Orioles don't score. When Ubaldo pitches poorly, the Orioles don't score. We must end the Curse of the Ubaldino. Solution: Send Ubaldo as far away as possible, preferably to a west coast National League Team. 

    6) Pssst, Arrieta, Strop . . . wanna come back?

    5) The ice bucket challenge is a great cause for ALS, but did we really have to throw everyone off by dumping water on Wrigley Field yesterday for three hours? 

    4) Every time Adam Jones pies a player in the face, we win the preceding game. Solution: more pies in the face. We only lost these two games because Jones neglected to pie anyone afterwards. 

    3) Never forget that losing is just gnisol spelled backwards, and the Orioles have yet to gnisol a game this year. 

    2) Remember that "Losing Streak" is just an anagram of "Stinks Galore," so there's nothing wrong that a shower and playing better won't cure. But they are just playing like fat pigs right now, since it's also an anagram of "Largest Oinks." Of course they'd do better if they'd get rid of the orange uniforms, since it's also an anagram of "Orange Kilts" (and we'll just ignore the missing "s" which stands for "skipped s"). Injuries are hurting us, as it's also an anagram for "Sores Talking." But most of all, the players need to listen to Manager Buck and his inspirational speeches, since it's also an anagram for "Ignores Talks." 

    1) Oriole Magic is why we have this lead, but for the love of God, baseball, and apple pie, no more celebratory threads until we actually win something.

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