10) “Let’s face it,” Manny said, “the Orioles are a really, really great team, except for me. I’m like the smelly, decaying rat in a chef’s kitchen. Every time I step on the field I bring the team down. I love Baltimore and I love the Orioles, but the only way they can recover this season is if I leave so they can bring in someone good. I’ll be cheering for them at the World Series. I hope they still remember me.”
9) Yankees net worth: $4 billion. Dodgers net worth: $3 billion. Orioles net worth: $1.2 billion. Just sayin’. (From Forbes.)
8) Manny will go crazy playing for the losing Orioles, and finally go to the Dodgers and their blue uniforms, often with light bluish sleeves. After all, Manny Machado is just an anagram for “Oh, Cyan Madman”! (But until he leaves, guess what the “Oh” stands for?)
7) He’ll probably go to the Yankees or the Mets. After all, Manny is just an anagram for “NY Man”!
6) “I can make $400 million if I leave the Orioles” is an anagram for “I can make $400 million if I leave the Orioles.”
5) Manny’s leading the league in average, and is third in slugging, on-base percentage, and OPS. The Orioles are 8-21. We blame Manny.
4) Manny hit 105 HR the past three seasons. Unless he can hit 105 this season, play shortstop, third base, and all three outfield positions simultaneously, go 27-2 as a starter, and get 75 saves, what’s the point of him staying?
3) Baltimore’s average elevation is 480 feet. Los Angeles is 285 feet. The laws of gravity make it inevitable that he’ll roll to Los Angeles. (And you thought he was just on a roll with that .366 batting average?)
2) Out of sheer politeness, he’ll be joining the Great Britain National Baseball Team. He might as well since it’s only proper that he go to England to pick up all those home runs he hit to center field and over the Atlantic, which points almost directly at London, where the penalty for littering is 150 pounds ($204). Just 1,960,784 home runs and that $400 million dollars is gone.
1) The truth came out at a “Pies in the Face Anonymous” meeting. “It was horrible,” Manny said. “Every time I went to bat there was that shiver down my spine that I’d make another game-winning hit. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, it was all I could think about! And then, whenever I hit a game-winner, they’d all be waitin’ for me, like an ambush, grinnin’ like thieves, and as soon as the game was over, it was POW! Pie in the face. There just has to be a team out here that ain’t got no pies. And don’t get me started on the sunflower seeds!”
